x Kathyn. aka Kat
x 16 years young
x aussie



x leavers Oh.Nine.
x under the name of "supersnail".
x ..music.. addict.
x i talk to myself in italian (which is cool).
x learning to drive.
x speaking my mind occurs often. usually in the form of this blog.
x big blusher.
x me and my over-active imagination.
x loves food.
x and photography.
x band geek with my cool sax.
x incredibly gullable and naive.
x number plates interest me.
x books have overtaken my room.
x romantic in both meanings of the word.

x a LBD
x new pair of shorts
x a car





Pride & Prejudice -- Jane Austen



The Definitve Book of Body Language -- Allan and Barbara Pease



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In Jazz Band this morning, I realised how awesome the songs we play are. Well most of them at least. I love all our old school song that we never even look at anymore. Like Birdland, Gimmie Some Lovin, It Don't mean a Thing, Blues Machine, Grapevine, At the Hop etc... but we're also playing some really cool songs at the moment too. Like Tastes Like Chicken and AM ATTITUDE!!! Straighten Up and Fly Right is ok, I love the awesome part Shamara and I have, but I hate the other vocal which's name escapes me at the moment. And I wish we could play September well because that's a really nice arrangement. I just wish Andrew would stop bitching about those high notes and the really fast trumpet part because that part is really awesome.

I really suck at Clarinet now. I ought to practise. I do have a test next week after all... and.... I HAVE TO PLAY SCALES!!! Grrr..... I hate scales. They really suck. Like majorly suck. At least I get to play a song on sax =)

I felt annoying again today. Which is a bad and maybe good sign. Bad because you should never feel this way about yourself. Good because I haven't felt like this since the start of the year which may mean I'm getting better. And the way the guys were talking about her just pissed me off too. It just makes you want to take a hit at your self esteem. I know I did. And I'm sure every other girl in my group would too. And it also means that they don't say that about me then either. So much for "you never talk about a friend like that" because they sure crossed the line then. Maybe that's what's got me down this arvo. Silly Boys. So I can't wait for Thursday then! Well... as a matter of fact, there are MANY things "non vedo l'ora" for! I actually have a list too... which is sad! But that's Kathryn for you...

But I can tell that I'm maybe, slightly getting better when I start randomly laughing over something so small and insignificant that it's not actually funny at all. Like the thought of dad picking me up Friday night wearing his air cadet uniform that looks exactly like a police officers uniform. Haha. That's going to be HILARIOUS! I can just picture some on Woolgar's friends shitting themselves when a "police officer" walks into his house and there they will be drinking alcohol. Or when I was just on the phone to Woolgar and that was his "emotional phone voice". That was so emotional that it's, like, so, like, overpowing, like, that I might, like, die of exhaustion, like like.

Maybe I AM crazy ;)

4:56 pm

They haven't quite grasped how deep in I am.

They don't know how it feels.

It's not just a day or so feeling "under the weather". No. It's more than that. And they don't understand that. What I wouldn't give for it to just be a day or so feeling like this!

I refuse to let my day get down to a 3, I don't want to have to call in my web of contacts for help. But why do they push my buttons so?

Don't they realise that my thoughts and actions are altered by this. I can't think or act straight anymore. They all need to realise this: At the moment what I say, do, think and feel are altered by this, things aren't ok anymore. My mind is doing strange things to me. And now I no longer know the difference between reality and what my mind is tricking me into believing.

And that's a scary thought.

3:37 pm

If I finally found out that it was just all in my head. I had nothing to worry about at all!

So... should I now be worried that something as small as that was able to have such an effect on my whole life?

9:59 am

Well... this is my 100th post in this blog. I'm quite proud actually.

But if you move past all of that pride, you'll find other emotions too.

Like realisation.

The realisation that an invite to a birthday party isn't going to salvage our friendship. That he's going off to work next year and I'm staying at school then I'll being going to Uni and our lives will just drift apart.

And there' nothing I can do to stop that. I've tryed so hard for too long now with no success.

Our lives were never meant to fit together. We're just too different, yet so similar.

I really wish it didn't have to be this way.

But it is.

7:12 pm

I'm slowly being pushed out.

I think it's called something along the lines of "moving on". I don't like it one bit.

Today was going to be a good day too. I was pumped for my Lit essay and scrapbooking tonight with stac up at the shop. Now it's like "urrgghh".

I knew it was going to happen. I knew it over a week ago. Then I let myself fall once again over the past few days.

I don't know if that makes me the fool or him?

8:00 am

Every so often I'll do these strange things where I'll happen to have my ipod on shuffle then get inspiration to write in my blog about the songs I'm listening to and it's relation to my life. I haven't done one of these in, like, ages, but since it's either this or constantly loose games of solitaire, I'll pick this.

I start with Always on My Mind by Michael Buble. God he sounded so good live. That was and will always be the best concert of my life. This song makes me wonder things. For example, am I always on his mind like he on mine? Ah end of song! Numero due... The Break Up Song -- The Greg Kihn Band. What a strange name. Catchy tune. Nice guitar. I'm literally tapping my foot. Good rock song. This song hold no real connection to me. I just remember the day I purchased the cd with this on it. All I remember from that day is getting this cd. Nothing special. Wow I've only listened to this sing 4 times. I bet those 4 times were in Italy for some reason. Once again, no connection, I just think they must of been. 14 seconds to go of this song... 2...1... Next song! On My Mind by Powderfinger. I think they're Australian... I'll just check. Well what do you know... they are. From Brissie too. And Bernard Fanning is on vocals. Wow. Never knew that. Just goes to show that you learn something new every day. And another song about something/someone on someone's mind... It's got me thinking! The probability of what I'm thinking about is like a zillion to one. Ti Voglio Bene. I love you. Or the actual translation of "You I want good." Ha ha. Languages are funny. You know what else is funny, no matter how many times I listen to this song (a whole 11 times!!!), I still have NO idea what he's saying. I suppose I should, I just dont focus on the words Maybe I should start. *listens to the lyrics* Actually don't worry about. It's all the same crap that in every love song. Nice music though. A good mix between a ballad with piano and pop with beatboxing. He's a good singer too. And another Italian song. Awesome. This one's called L'immenso. I have no idea what that means. Same sad love lyrics though. Aren't they all the same? Or is this saying something about Italian's ... Either way... You can't be serious! ANOTHER italian song! I quite like this one. It's by Paolo Meneguzzi. It's called Musica ('Music' in english). It's a really pretty. Something along the lines of... "For me, you are my music" etc etc. I LOVE THIS SONG! BLUES MACHINE!!! WE ROCK AT THIS SONG!!! OLD SCHOOL JAZZ BAND!!! AHHH!!!! Enough said. Soooooo many good memories from jazz band. Sick of this song now.... Life sure is a highway. I haven't heard this song for agesss. Good song. *sings* Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long *realises how terrible I song*

I'm so bored of this now, that my homework looks like fun.

I shall better do that then

6:07 pm

Sure. Why not? Just make it even worse for me.

Just make it even harder for when the time comes to say good bye.

Of course I don't want to say good bye. But it may be essential for not only me, but also him.

Lucky I've recently realised that this is all part of life. Reality is finally sinking in.

9:12 pm

... that a bit of burnt chocolate and a malfunctioning dvd could make someone so angry?

3:36 pm

How to make a Girls Night In...

You Will Need:

2+ x Best Friends
1x Movie (Chick flicks prefered)
1x Popcorn
1x Gossip
2x Lollies

How to Make:

1. Mix everything together until you create a great night in.

2. To add to the flavour, add some nail polish and facials

3. The most important step, HAVE FUN!

Serves: One night

10:09 am

Jesse asked an interesting question last night. And it got me thinking, although I was thinking about it before he asked.

"Why do people listen to depressing music when they're depressed?"

And I have no answer. I just know it's true. Bec agreed with me. She said maybe it was because you could connect to the music. And now I'll offer my own opinion. From the inspiring movie The History Boys, you'll find a scene that goes along the lines of:

"The best moments in reading are when you come across something, a thought
a feeling, a way of looking at things that you'd thought special, particular to
you, and here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe
even someone long dead, and it's as if a hand has come out and taken
yours"

The same surely applies to our music taste. Can you see someone who is about to jump off a cliff listening to Mika's Grace Kelly?? No, not at all.

And then you can examine my own playlist at the moment. For a couple of days now, I've been listening to the following song:

Better That We Break -- Maroon 5
Dakota -- The Stereophonics
The Hill -- Marketa Irglova
Lost Without You -- Delta Goodrem
Why Does it Always Rain on Me? -- Travis
7 Things -- Miley Cyrus

At first it may appear like perfectly normal songs to be listening to. I love Maroon 5, Marketa Irglova plays a beautiful role in the movie Once and Miley Cyrus is considered "popular" at the moment. So sure, a perfectly balanced selection.

Then it gets interesting. Look at the lyrics for each song and you would get a fair idea of how I've been feeling.

Better That We Break: "I heard you speak and now it kills me, just to hear you say the simple things."
Dakota: "I wonder if we'll meet again and talk about life since then, talk about why did it end"
The Hill: "I know that in the morning, I have to let you go, and you'll be just a man, once I used to know"
Lost Without You: "How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side"
Why Does it Always Rain on Me?: "Oh, where did the blue skies go? And why is it raining so? Its so cold"
7 Things: "The 7 things I hate about you oh you, You're vain, your games, you're insecure .... You make me laugh, you make me cry ...And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do, You make me love you"

Now you see? Music could be a dead give away to how I've been feeling. And I know this theory works. Not only did Bec second my motion, but I've seen it in action too. A friend of mine, who I don't seen very much, I happen to notice what songs they'd been lstening to. Wanting to test my new theory, I checked the lyrics of those songs too. And what do you know! my friend has been listening to music which kind of simulate the mood I've been in. Although I haven't had to oppotunity to fully test my theory, can't you tell it's true?

P.S. This morning I'm listening to a wide range of music because my ipods on shuffle. Go figure that one out.

9:29 am

Who do you think is the most powerful person in the whole world? I have a couple who measure up pretty close:

1.) The Queen of England. She may not use her power at all, but if the need arose, just think of how many colonies she could summon to her aid. Australia for example. If SHE wanted to take over the world, it would be easy in her position.

2.) The Pope. Just like the Queen, he has power bu doesn't use it. Just think of all the Christians he could turn on you if you stood in his way. They'd do anything f they thought it would get them closer to god (I'm an athiest, so don't mind my jabs at religion)

3.) The President of America. He could stop trade with any country in the world and force the world into another Great Depression at the drop of a hat. It's happening now, you know -- and he didn't even want it to happen.

In other news, Nachos have become my comfort food =) Trying to be strong here.

3:25 pm

Fucking lit references are driving me mental... I MUST write them down!

I half expect a raven to just fly in my window and start saying "Nevermore" (which in Poe's poem The Raven it's the ravens way of never letting the guy forget about his lost lover)

And I feel like Sissy from Dickens' Hard Times who would never stop crying when her father left her. She just kept telling herself that he would come back.
He never did.

I think it's hitting me now, too. He's not coming back.

This is the end of the road.

8:23 pm

-- William Shakespeare's Richard III (Opening Solioquoy)

Why the Shakespeare you ask? Well I feel rather like dear old Richard at the moment. Just not nearly as twisted, or am I?

Just like the opening solioquoy of Richard the Third, which sets up the major plot points of the narrative by allowing the audience to anticipate the coming events and signals what is coming in the rest of the play with perfection, it seems that I, too, may anticipate the coming events as they unfold over the next month or so (hopefully less).

"Plots have I laid..."
In Richard III this quote signals that throughout the play we will see Richard carry out these plots in an attempt to become King of England. In my life, I too will lay plots in order to get through this.

"And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover/...I am determined to prove a villain"
This quote suggests that throughout the play, Richard will prove to the audience that he is a villian since he cannot prove to us that he is a lover (He's a little twisted). Since I cannot prove a lover either, I may have to just prove that I'm a villian, and have a little fun with all the pain that's been caused.

My dear old friend Richard, you're a genius!

10:13 am