The end of the world
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
It's the end of the world as I know it. (Or is it?)
It all finally fell. The bridge that had been wobbling between to two of us over the past couple of weeks finally came crashing down today. I think I knew it was inevitable, I just didn't want to believe it. I'm worried that the space between us will never heal. That we'll just move on and go our seperate ways and never see each other again. I'm worried because I have no idea was "space" means!! Does it mean I have to completely erase him from my life until he comes back? What if he doesn't come back? Gah. That worries me the most. I can't live without him. Even if he does come back, will things ever be the same again? Can we just continue from where we left off? Or is another fall around the corner again? All these worries. Thay made me feel distraught a few hours ago, but now not so much. I just feel numb. Like part of me is missing, yet I can still continue to live. Then I feel angry. I feel like I could break something. I feel like kicking something. I feel angry because this is my fault. I feel angry with myself because I've gone wrong somewhere, I acted like a girl and it scared him away. I feel angry because maybe someone else will be there for him when I should be. That someone will take my place while he's away.
Maybe it was something Deasy said to me which makes me feel like this now. He said that everyone has a different way of dealing with stress and pressure. And maybe he just needs space.
And that calmed me, I think. I don't feel so tense anymore, I don't feel like I'm about to break down and cry anymore.
I should be worried. I should be crying. But I'm not. I'm in a state of shock. I feel exhausted. But I dont feel like I'm going to break anything with arms reach like I was a few hours ago.
Maybe the pain is still coming. Maybe when it sets in that he's gone, it will. What makes it even worse is that for me to come out of the period in my life, I need him. He just doesn't need me.
6:55 pm
The fickle friend..
And the winner is...
JELOUSY!
Don't you just hate it?
8:17 am
What worries me...
Sunday, 28 September 2008
... is that we could be sinking into another Great Depression with the recession in the US.
I've studied the effects of the Great Depression in history so I have a fair idea of how utterly terrible it was. And I know enough to say I don't want to live through that.
It really worries me.
What if I can't afford to live in the future? I mean, I have all these dreams, hopes and expectations for my future, but what if I can't get that. I want to big paying job, with the huge house, and a expensive car which screams "wealth", holidays every other year, maybe even moving to London, everything the best of the best. It sounds materialistic, but living a good life would make me happy. I'd never want to live in poverty. But I might not get that. My parent's and family worry me every day with discussions about investing my money in houses, the price of petrol, the price of food, the price of living! And it's only going to get worse. How will I be able to have the perfect life I want if I cant afford to live? I'll be able to afford a car within a year, but I wont be able to afford to drive it. How funny is that?
But it worries me.
8:20 pm
If only I had a heart...
Saturday, 27 September 2008
My dad's advise for me when I didn't cry at the airport as the Italians left: "You need to get heartbroken. That way when you connect with someone and they leave, you'll actually feel something"
Well done dad. Thanks a lot.
I may not have cried, but I can show my love in another way:
Sara - Officially my Italian sister. I love this girl so much
Luca - Maybe we shouldn't have taugh him how to say "motherfuckingnigger" way back in Italy last year.
Michele - "Thanks for the lift, Kathryn"
Gianluca - This guy is so sweet and adorable. I'm going to miss him lots
Debbie - She may have smoked and gotten herself in trouble for sneaking into other peoples rooms, but she had a heart of gold.
Claudia - First girl Jason "hooked up with". She's so sweet :)
Manuela - Err... I think we'll all remember her for all the bad reasons. Pug face.
Ivan - Manchild. Stange one, this one.
Patrizia - She is so lovely. I wish I could keep her.
That's the extent of my love. Maybe I do need a broken heart.
Maybe I already have one
9:18 am
Here comes the rain
Friday, 26 September 2008
I was too lazy to write this yesterday, but it was very much on my mind. Never the matter, I'll do it now.... (just pretend you were reading this yesterday)..
Something I noticed on my way walking home in the rain is how much more snails there are when it's raining. Literally, every 2 seconds I would see another snail. It's crazy! Anyway, that got me thinking and considering I had lit today [really yesterday, but remember we're pretending it's yesterday] my mind was still in lit thinking mode, because that's what I do. Considering my dear old friends Coleridge and Wordsworth, I thought about what their take on the rain would be. Let's not even go into what Coleridge would think considering he was a HUGE opium addict, but Wordsworth would offer me a more romantic perspective of rain, a seemingly simple, inevitable thing. The rain seems to make everything so much duller and darker. Which got me thinking about my dear hero Allen Ginsberg. His whole point of writing "Howl" was to do a modernist take on romanticism -- he just didn't know it. However, unlike the real romantics (ie Wordsworth and Coleridge), Ginsberg didn't offer an alternative to the "horrors" of society. Whilst W & C wrote about how wonderful nature is to lure people away from industrialisation, Ginsberg just reminded us of how crap life is and showed the less desirable, and hidden aspects of society which we being hidden by the bourgeious. But anyway, back to the rain. It reminded me of Ginsberg. The rain reminds us of the reality; that not everyday for everyone is going to be sunny (and therefore happy). That there are still a zillion aspects of each and everyone and everything in the whole universe which aren't perfect and are grey. But the rain, like Ginsberg, doesnt offer an alternative to these, she's just here to remind us that not everything is perfect and that not everything is as "cool" or as "good" as we think. It's what's under the covers and what gets pushed aside that is the real show of reality. Just like the jazz musicials, struggling artists, psychiatric patients, homosexual and poets the rain reminds todays society about those of us who might not always feel so sunny.
3:40 pm
This is Australia!
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
You know, the first question someone from another country will always ask you is "Do you have a pet kangaroo?" or "Do you ride a kangaroo to school?". And I've always dismissed these questions with a laugh and saying the only place I've seen a kangaroo is at the zoo.
That was until today.
Driving along Alexander Drive (a busy main road) I saw a kangaroo. But wait, not just one... TWO!
Imagine that! Two kangaroo's down a busy suburban road!
Ha! That makes me laugh.
In other news. I've just realised today how cool Gianluca is (I hope I spelt it right). I love that guy. He's so real. He's so much the underdog in the whole tour group. But he's so nice and ... well real. I'm going to miss that guy. I really am.
But I'm going to miss them all too..
7:03 pm
History References
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Just like the Japanese during the 1930s I feel like I'm going through my own "Dark Valley". However, there are some subtle differences:
1.) I haven't just gone from liberalism to militarism. Of course there is some connection if you look at the connotations linked to each word. For example, liberalism has connotations to peace and... well peace. But militarism kinda reminds you of Hitler. Or Stalin, depending if you're Bender (the teacher NOT the robot) or not. Truly, I have shifted from inner peace to feeling terrible. But I'm not about to blow up Pearl Habour...
2.) Which brings me to my next point. I'm not trying to expand my territory into Asia. BUT I am trying to expand my influence in his life. But why is he being so much like China during the Second Sino-Japanese War!?!?
3.) I'm not being run by the army. Not explaination needed.
See.... I do have problems at the moment. And I know anyone who has read my last couple of posts will see that. But I'm not about to go jump off a cliff to get rid of these problems. Just to clarify that point. NOT suicide, just over the problems.
I know I haven't been myself as of late, as *most* of you can see, but don't try to force me to be happy when I'm not. I love you all for caring, I really do feel special when people notice these kind of things. I may sound like im complaining about all the shit going on in my life, but I'm just letting off all my steam which has been bottled up over the past couple of months. *thought* Maybe that's why I'm just suddenly sunk deep since the weekend, because this is my way of letting it all out. I may want to yell and scream at him, but that's just not possible. He makes me smile and laugh too much when he's being good to me, when he's looking after me. I need to accept that. And if that means that the cons out weight the pros, I should be ready to accept that too.
Music therapy should do me good. Give me the Beatles and cleaning anyday and it'll sure raise my mood.
Even if it means going form the Dark Valley to the Very-Dim Valley.
P.S. Check this out, right now!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xh_P9dcIagE (I'm so proud of Mr Bender!)
4:11 pm
Letting go
Monday, 22 September 2008
I saw Verona today.
That was very hard for me today.
And I feel very vulnerable now. I feel exposed.
She told me that I can live without him. That I'm already doing it, because he's not here mentally nor physically. That it's not healthy for me. And that giving him the ball is the right thing.
But what do I do when he's the only thing I need right now. The only thing that would make me better.
Yet, I need to move on.
4:18 pm
Re-evaluating It
Sunday, 21 September 2008
At this moment, I'm glad that no one bothers to read my blog. Because it's times like these that I just need to get all my emotions and thoughts and feelings down on paper (or the the computer screen) to work out exactly what happened and how I feel about it because at the moment I think my head is about to explode with what actually happened to me between Friday afternoon and last night. Because a lot happened. Too much. So here goes...
I can skip past Friday at school, because that was quite boring except for it being Aussie Day at our school (a random excuse to have a free dress day to fundraise for the year 12 Graduation!) But we'll skip straight to the moment I got a call from Deasy asking where the Prendiville (+ Ocean Reef) people were supposed to be. So I was sent to retrieve them. Wasn't a hard task, actually. *Fast forward* Then we got on the bus. It kinda set the scene for the rest of the weekend, and I should have seen it then. I did the stupid thing. I ditched my girls to sit near my friends (the Ryans and Jas). It was kinda fun. But looking back now, I should have seen the signs which would have told me to not try this weekend. It just went down hill from there. And I really do mean it. When we arrived at the hotel, we had a couple of hours to just chill and have free time. Most of us went down into the indoor pool. I was there with my girls, but once again, I thought I had a better alternative so I went to sit near my "friends" again. That's were I think I really began to notice it. Wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't even look at me. It kinda hurt a little, but I took it without much complaint. Then all my fears from the previous couple of days hit me. He didn't even consider me a friend. He was ignoring me. And that hurt a lot. All the shit he'd give me over the past couple of months just added up to that, and I knew it. But I wasn't going to take that lying down. I gave him his room. And myself a heartache. At dinner that night, I didn't try getting a table near them. I sat with some of my other friends from Prendiville and basically ignored him. It made me feel a little better. And I enjoyed dinner.
The hardest, most excruciating part of the whole weekend was by far at bowling that night. I was in a terrible mood at him and he was really ticking me off. I felt terrible. Like I really do mean that. I'd try putting on a brave face, but after the first hour and a bit I couldn't any longer. The silly boy didn't even notice. I suppose that's what hurt me most. He would bowl his ball, on his lane, then go off to talk to the other guys. So so much as a "hi" to me. After a bit, Prof (my prof) noticed my mood. She asked me if I wanted to go outside to talk. I was really quite eager to do that. I jsut needed to get out of there. And the tears I'd been holding back all night were about to break loose. We went outside and she asked me what was up. And it all just came out. I told her everything. And the tears came thick. But I let it all out. Everything. Everything that had been bothering me over the past couple of months. After a few minutes, we went back in. And, walking past him, I rushed to the bathroom so wash my face. By coincidence, Rach and Ash were in the bathroom too. I love those girls. They are so kind. They gave me a hug and offered to bash him up for me. I think I took that offer too readily! And then I went back to bowling. Smiling was very forced from this moment on. I was trying so hard to look like I was having fun to avoid suspicion from anyone. I'm not sure if it worked. Then what go confusing, and I'd still love to know the answer, I swear I saw him head towards me, almost walking down the stairs to where I was. But then he stopped and turned around. I'm not sure whether he was just seeing if it was his turn to bowl, or if he was coming over to see me -- I don't know. But for my sanity, I wish I knew. Maybe because he almost looked worried. But I don't know. I managed to get through the rest of the night at bowling and back to the hotel where I could hopefully sleep it off.
I cryed myself to sleep that night.
But it felt good to get most of it out and by the morning I felt just the tiniest bit better. Saturday, I was the mother. I looked after all my girls and tryed to push Friday from my mind. I don't think the girls were fooled. And I couldn't manage to convince myself either. At the mini-show-thing nothing changed. I tryed to have fun. And I really wanted to talk to him. Well yelling at him would have been better. But I didn't get my change. Instead I got very burnt. So I still ignored him. Until we bumped into them at Baskin and Robbins. Looking back, I' not sure if I feel ashamed or proud of my actions. Bit of both, really. I asked him why he was ignoring me all weekend. And the nerve of that guy was that apparently he hadn't had much oppotunity to. So I just glared at him for a bit before just walking away. I was ready for it, but just not really. So once again, I tryed to forget about him. Then it got interesting on the bus ride home. Unfortunantly for me, I got stuck on the same bus as him. Fortunantly for me, it was a big bus and he was at the back while I was at the front with my girls. I slept a bit on the bus and listened to music. And got a message from him asking what was wrong. That made me feel a little better. But also desperate at the same time. Better, because he had FINALLY noticed that something wasn't right with me. Desperate, because all that I needed in that moment was a comforting hug from his and a chance to cry again.
And I didn't see him again till his party last night. Now THAT was a funny experience! Many things happened last night. It started kinda slow. I felt really out of place. Then a couple more people came and it started to get interesting. It was only a small party. About 15 of us in total. But there was alcohol. What made me laugh was when him mum offered some of the guys a lift up to the bottle shop. But I absolutly understand why. Of course, teenages are going to drink. And she wasn't forbidding it, but instead by bringing it into her home, she would be able to control it and keep an eye on things. It was a win-win situation. I do adore that lady. She is so kind and sweet. I don't understand why Ryan talks to bad of her. I met Mark too. He seemed really nice. And responsible too. I don't think I saw him drink at all last night. But he was cool. Kelly (Prendiville) didn't drink either. Nor did Michele (Jason's ital). And of course me too. Although I did have a couple of sips from Woolgar's drinks. Empasis on the plural. Dale had way too much. And so did Deasy. But the end of the night has was all over Nima. I think my respect from him went down slightly. But mostly of Nima's. She hadn't drunk that much and I think she was still in control. Yet she took advantage of Deasy because he'd had a little too much. Surprisingly, Jason had had a fair bit, yet was still in total control. I applaud him. Funniest of them all was Wooglar though. I swear. Even now, 12 hours on, I sit at my desk chuckling to myself at that boy. I suppose he did have a bit to drink. Not too much, but maybe enough for him to be a bit more crazy than usual. About 9.30 I think I'd considered him drunk. What kinda gave me that suspicion, prehaps, was his dancing. Man that was funny! Or maybe the way he was acting a bit more like "Jack Sparrow" every moment. But I wasn't sure. I think he's always a bit like that, honestly. Or maybe when I asked him if he was drunk or just always like that and he replied "A little of column A and a little from column B". Or maybe when he told me to "watch out for Chelsea [his dog]" and when I gave him a weird look he added "because you're a cat"............ I just told him to keep walking. I kept a very close eye on him for the whole night. I'm not too sure as to why. Maybe I was still in "mother-mode" from Mandurah. So I took him drink off him for a bit. What didn't help his case was when I later asked him if he was really drunk and he said to me "Well if I was drunk, do you think I'd be able to say antidisestablishmentarianism? The longest word in the english language with 29 letters". That made me chuckle. And eventually we had to go.
I don't know where I sit now. I should still be pissed off at him for being such a jerk over the past couple of months, expecially this weekend. But he kinda made up for lost time last night. He looked after me. Or at least I looked after him. But it felt all good. As if Mandurah hadn't happened. But where does that leave me now? I'm exposed now. I know that he will hurt me again because he's a teengaged boy and because he's Ryan. And I think it will be worse next time. I won't just fall, but I will fall hard. It just continuing to build up and up on me. I need to let it all out and, basically, yell at him. To let all my emotions out and tell him how I've been feeling. But also to have him there for me when I do tell him all and when I do cry. Because the thing I've been craving most over the past couple of months is that.
And that's what I need now.
9:13 am
L'anno Prossimo
Monday, 15 September 2008
I was doing my italian homework where I had to write about next year... it all kinda just flowed. (NB: I did translate it)
Next year will be a huge year in my life. It will be my last year at school and therefore I wil have to study very hard. But I promise myself that I will have fun with my friends and enjoy our last year. At school I will study English Lit, History, Italian, Chemistry, Maths and music. I will take many photos and make a scrapbook full of memories from my last year. I want to enjoy my last year and do anything to achieve this. I will live life. I will be able to get my drivers licence so I can drive and be free. I can't wait until I will be free from my parents and finally live an interesting life free of restraints. I will drink sensibly. I will make mistake but I will learn. I will cry. I will laugh. I will fall in love. I will smile. I will have bad times. I will have good times. I won't take anything for granted. I will enjoy my friends. I will enjoy school. I will enjoy life.
How nice is that? Kinda makes me look forward to next year in a way!
5:00 pm
A Day to Breathe
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
I got a semi-breather today. Although I had Jazz Band at 7.15 this morning, I can home after that and just relaxed.
My day comprised of Guitar Hero, baking a chocolate cake, doing a bit of homework, watching several episodes of How I Met Your Mother, going to Jess' to get Melissa to do my hair, coming home to do more homework and that's about it.
It was great to get a day to just breathe and catch up with things that I've got behind with.
But I don't feel better yet. I was almost at the edge of the cliff yesterday where, if I had continued that way, I would have fallen off and possibly sunk into a deep pit of depression. But now I feel less like I'm on the edge of an abyss.
All I need now that would make we truely better would be my "friend" (reference to a code which I use with a "teacher") being with me and just us letting me cry it all out on his shoulder. Then I could feel at peace with the world and myself again.
But that won't happen. At least not for a long time yet.
7:01 pm
Freedom!
Monday, 1 September 2008
Finally! Freedom!
I define freedom as the ability to walk around my house in my pj's at 5.30pm and not having anyone to worry about seeing me.
And I've got that.
Go me!
Well... Nic's gone. I don't know if I should be celebrating or crying. Neither seem to fit.
However, that was lat night's news.
Today I've been really tired/depressed/stressed. Ouch. Not too good.
I need a hug. BUT ONCE AGAIN THE PERSON I NEED THE HUG FROM IS HEAPS FAR AWAY! AND AT WORK!!! Grr. Not good. Not good at all.
7:29 pm
