Re-evaluating It
Sunday, 21 September 2008
At this moment, I'm glad that no one bothers to read my blog. Because it's times like these that I just need to get all my emotions and thoughts and feelings down on paper (or the the computer screen) to work out exactly what happened and how I feel about it because at the moment I think my head is about to explode with what actually happened to me between Friday afternoon and last night. Because a lot happened. Too much. So here goes...
I can skip past Friday at school, because that was quite boring except for it being Aussie Day at our school (a random excuse to have a free dress day to fundraise for the year 12 Graduation!) But we'll skip straight to the moment I got a call from Deasy asking where the Prendiville (+ Ocean Reef) people were supposed to be. So I was sent to retrieve them. Wasn't a hard task, actually. *Fast forward* Then we got on the bus. It kinda set the scene for the rest of the weekend, and I should have seen it then. I did the stupid thing. I ditched my girls to sit near my friends (the Ryans and Jas). It was kinda fun. But looking back now, I should have seen the signs which would have told me to not try this weekend. It just went down hill from there. And I really do mean it. When we arrived at the hotel, we had a couple of hours to just chill and have free time. Most of us went down into the indoor pool. I was there with my girls, but once again, I thought I had a better alternative so I went to sit near my "friends" again. That's were I think I really began to notice it. Wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't even look at me. It kinda hurt a little, but I took it without much complaint. Then all my fears from the previous couple of days hit me. He didn't even consider me a friend. He was ignoring me. And that hurt a lot. All the shit he'd give me over the past couple of months just added up to that, and I knew it. But I wasn't going to take that lying down. I gave him his room. And myself a heartache. At dinner that night, I didn't try getting a table near them. I sat with some of my other friends from Prendiville and basically ignored him. It made me feel a little better. And I enjoyed dinner.
The hardest, most excruciating part of the whole weekend was by far at bowling that night. I was in a terrible mood at him and he was really ticking me off. I felt terrible. Like I really do mean that. I'd try putting on a brave face, but after the first hour and a bit I couldn't any longer. The silly boy didn't even notice. I suppose that's what hurt me most. He would bowl his ball, on his lane, then go off to talk to the other guys. So so much as a "hi" to me. After a bit, Prof (my prof) noticed my mood. She asked me if I wanted to go outside to talk. I was really quite eager to do that. I jsut needed to get out of there. And the tears I'd been holding back all night were about to break loose. We went outside and she asked me what was up. And it all just came out. I told her everything. And the tears came thick. But I let it all out. Everything. Everything that had been bothering me over the past couple of months. After a few minutes, we went back in. And, walking past him, I rushed to the bathroom so wash my face. By coincidence, Rach and Ash were in the bathroom too. I love those girls. They are so kind. They gave me a hug and offered to bash him up for me. I think I took that offer too readily! And then I went back to bowling. Smiling was very forced from this moment on. I was trying so hard to look like I was having fun to avoid suspicion from anyone. I'm not sure if it worked. Then what go confusing, and I'd still love to know the answer, I swear I saw him head towards me, almost walking down the stairs to where I was. But then he stopped and turned around. I'm not sure whether he was just seeing if it was his turn to bowl, or if he was coming over to see me -- I don't know. But for my sanity, I wish I knew. Maybe because he almost looked worried. But I don't know. I managed to get through the rest of the night at bowling and back to the hotel where I could hopefully sleep it off.
I cryed myself to sleep that night.
But it felt good to get most of it out and by the morning I felt just the tiniest bit better. Saturday, I was the mother. I looked after all my girls and tryed to push Friday from my mind. I don't think the girls were fooled. And I couldn't manage to convince myself either. At the mini-show-thing nothing changed. I tryed to have fun. And I really wanted to talk to him. Well yelling at him would have been better. But I didn't get my change. Instead I got very burnt. So I still ignored him. Until we bumped into them at Baskin and Robbins. Looking back, I' not sure if I feel ashamed or proud of my actions. Bit of both, really. I asked him why he was ignoring me all weekend. And the nerve of that guy was that apparently he hadn't had much oppotunity to. So I just glared at him for a bit before just walking away. I was ready for it, but just not really. So once again, I tryed to forget about him. Then it got interesting on the bus ride home. Unfortunantly for me, I got stuck on the same bus as him. Fortunantly for me, it was a big bus and he was at the back while I was at the front with my girls. I slept a bit on the bus and listened to music. And got a message from him asking what was wrong. That made me feel a little better. But also desperate at the same time. Better, because he had FINALLY noticed that something wasn't right with me. Desperate, because all that I needed in that moment was a comforting hug from his and a chance to cry again.
And I didn't see him again till his party last night. Now THAT was a funny experience! Many things happened last night. It started kinda slow. I felt really out of place. Then a couple more people came and it started to get interesting. It was only a small party. About 15 of us in total. But there was alcohol. What made me laugh was when him mum offered some of the guys a lift up to the bottle shop. But I absolutly understand why. Of course, teenages are going to drink. And she wasn't forbidding it, but instead by bringing it into her home, she would be able to control it and keep an eye on things. It was a win-win situation. I do adore that lady. She is so kind and sweet. I don't understand why Ryan talks to bad of her. I met Mark too. He seemed really nice. And responsible too. I don't think I saw him drink at all last night. But he was cool. Kelly (Prendiville) didn't drink either. Nor did Michele (Jason's ital). And of course me too. Although I did have a couple of sips from Woolgar's drinks. Empasis on the plural. Dale had way too much. And so did Deasy. But the end of the night has was all over Nima. I think my respect from him went down slightly. But mostly of Nima's. She hadn't drunk that much and I think she was still in control. Yet she took advantage of Deasy because he'd had a little too much. Surprisingly, Jason had had a fair bit, yet was still in total control. I applaud him. Funniest of them all was Wooglar though. I swear. Even now, 12 hours on, I sit at my desk chuckling to myself at that boy. I suppose he did have a bit to drink. Not too much, but maybe enough for him to be a bit more crazy than usual. About 9.30 I think I'd considered him drunk. What kinda gave me that suspicion, prehaps, was his dancing. Man that was funny! Or maybe the way he was acting a bit more like "Jack Sparrow" every moment. But I wasn't sure. I think he's always a bit like that, honestly. Or maybe when I asked him if he was drunk or just always like that and he replied "A little of column A and a little from column B". Or maybe when he told me to "watch out for Chelsea [his dog]" and when I gave him a weird look he added "because you're a cat"............ I just told him to keep walking. I kept a very close eye on him for the whole night. I'm not too sure as to why. Maybe I was still in "mother-mode" from Mandurah. So I took him drink off him for a bit. What didn't help his case was when I later asked him if he was really drunk and he said to me "Well if I was drunk, do you think I'd be able to say antidisestablishmentarianism? The longest word in the english language with 29 letters". That made me chuckle. And eventually we had to go.
I don't know where I sit now. I should still be pissed off at him for being such a jerk over the past couple of months, expecially this weekend. But he kinda made up for lost time last night. He looked after me. Or at least I looked after him. But it felt all good. As if Mandurah hadn't happened. But where does that leave me now? I'm exposed now. I know that he will hurt me again because he's a teengaged boy and because he's Ryan. And I think it will be worse next time. I won't just fall, but I will fall hard. It just continuing to build up and up on me. I need to let it all out and, basically, yell at him. To let all my emotions out and tell him how I've been feeling. But also to have him there for me when I do tell him all and when I do cry. Because the thing I've been craving most over the past couple of months is that.
And that's what I need now.
9:13 am
