The end of the world
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
It's the end of the world as I know it. (Or is it?)
It all finally fell. The bridge that had been wobbling between to two of us over the past couple of weeks finally came crashing down today. I think I knew it was inevitable, I just didn't want to believe it. I'm worried that the space between us will never heal. That we'll just move on and go our seperate ways and never see each other again. I'm worried because I have no idea was "space" means!! Does it mean I have to completely erase him from my life until he comes back? What if he doesn't come back? Gah. That worries me the most. I can't live without him. Even if he does come back, will things ever be the same again? Can we just continue from where we left off? Or is another fall around the corner again? All these worries. Thay made me feel distraught a few hours ago, but now not so much. I just feel numb. Like part of me is missing, yet I can still continue to live. Then I feel angry. I feel like I could break something. I feel like kicking something. I feel angry because this is my fault. I feel angry with myself because I've gone wrong somewhere, I acted like a girl and it scared him away. I feel angry because maybe someone else will be there for him when I should be. That someone will take my place while he's away.
Maybe it was something Deasy said to me which makes me feel like this now. He said that everyone has a different way of dealing with stress and pressure. And maybe he just needs space.
And that calmed me, I think. I don't feel so tense anymore, I don't feel like I'm about to break down and cry anymore.
I should be worried. I should be crying. But I'm not. I'm in a state of shock. I feel exhausted. But I dont feel like I'm going to break anything with arms reach like I was a few hours ago.
Maybe the pain is still coming. Maybe when it sets in that he's gone, it will. What makes it even worse is that for me to come out of the period in my life, I need him. He just doesn't need me.
6:55 pm
